Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
