Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
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