How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
