I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
