My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
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Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
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We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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