my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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