it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
