mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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