he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
