remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
