are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Randomize
