y did u give ur computer a hand job?
whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
