First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
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