So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
