4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Randomize
