My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Randomize
