I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Randomize
