Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
