I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
zippers are such a cool invention
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
Randomize
