she told me i tasted like america
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Randomize
