Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
what day is it and did you see me today?
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
