whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Randomize
