I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
