youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
this boner is exhausting
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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