I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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