My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Randomize
