i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
