Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
