Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
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