he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Randomize
