I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
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