i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
