we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Randomize
