I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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