someone threw a dead crab at me
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
