i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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