i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
