i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
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