So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
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