My cat gives me a boner
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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