I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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