You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize
