I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
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