yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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