Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Randomize
