when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
