im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
