his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Randomize
