I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I skipped work to stalk him.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
