Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Randomize
