his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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