"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
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