Betty ford says i'm here all night
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
