i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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